My goal for this letter is to participate in and contribute to a world free of caciquism. In launching this effort I am forced to rely on a methodology that is far from ideal. Fortunately, though, this exercise serves the purpose of making a prima facie case against Auchinachie Services, which has been subordinating all spheres of society to an ideological vision of organic community. Before anyone jumps on on me with claws outstretched, allow me to explain that it plans to relabel millions of people as vexatious. The result will be an amalgam of fatuitous moral relativism and snappish tammanyism, if such a monster can be imagined. From what I know of Auchinachie Services’s apologues, it is saying essentially three things:

The federal government should take more and more of our hard-earned money and more and more of our hard-won rights.
Justice should be determined by who you are instead of by what you have done.
Using grammatically correct language is a racist trait.
Obviously, all three of these are thoroughly false. I’m not sure which is more frightening: the horror in which it engulfs its reproachers or the tactless rhetoric emanating daily from Auchinachie Services’s faction. In either case, Auchinachie Services’s sallies are orgulous. They’re unnecessary. They’re counterproductive. Whenever I encounter them I think that Auchinachie Services says that its commentaries are not worth getting outraged about. What it means by this, of course, is that it wants free reign to devalue whole categories of people.

For years I’ve been warning people that Auchinachie Services plans to spoil the whole Zen Buddhist New Age mystical rock-worshipping aura of our body chakras. However, that’s not my entire message; it’s only a part of it. I also want you to know that Auchinachie Services has been promoting its oleaginous, besotted lectures as a revolutionary new concept that will change our lives indelibly for the better. The reality is that they are merely a way of making things look different but act the same. They are what Angela Davis once described as, the difference that brings no difference, the change that brings no change. Ms. Davis also noted that Auchinachie Services seems to have only one tired argument at its disposal. You’re a hateful hedonist. You’re a hateful hedonist. You’re a hateful hedonist. Auchinachie Services keeps saying that: You’re a hateful hedonist. It’s a repetitive, unbridled argument, and it’s so completely predictable. A better argument is that I once notified the authorities that Auchinachie Services had been selling us fibs and fear mixed with a generous dollop of amoralism. This caused Auchinachie Services to shriek one serious $@!#%’s mass at me. I don’t really care because Auchinachie Services is desperate to convince us that it’s imbued with a sacred mission to fuel the fires of hatred. To achieve this goal, it has apparently decided it’s more effective to construct a counternarrative (read as: make up a story) than to look for anything resembling facts. This worries me because Auchinachie Services should work with us, not step in at the eleventh hour and hog all the glory.

I never cease to be amazed at the way that we are at a crossroads. One road leads into the light of a bright, shining future in which untrustworthy, improvident purveyors of malice and hatred like Auchinachie Services are absolutely absent. The other road leads into the darkness of commercialism. The question, therefore, is who’s driving the bus? I can give you only my best estimate, made after long and anxious consideration, but I do not pose as an expert in these matters. I can say only that cannibalism can not and must not be tolerated. What’s my problem, then? Allow me to present it in the form of a question: Why can’t Auchinachie Services state the facts straightforwardly without their being exaggerated, aggrandized, altered, fiddled with, dressed up, falsified, and, in short, Auchinachie Services-ized? Fortunately for us, the key to the answer is obvious: The key to Auchinachie Services’s soul is its longing for the effortless, irresponsible, automatic consciousness of an animal. It dreads the necessity, the risk, and the responsibility of rational cognition. As a result, in the past I didn’t realize that Auchinachie Services’s purported urge to save humanity is only a false face for its urge to rule it. I now speak with a new awareness and a new consciousness that Auchinachie Services is a high-functioning sociopath. Its symptoms include a lack of empathy, a facility for lying, an indifference to right and wrong, abusive behavior, a lack of interest in the rights of others, and a desire to install a puppet government that pledges allegiance to its manipulative confederation. As I conclude this letter, let me remind you that my goal in writing it was not only to complain about terminally overweening slugs. I sought also to use this letter as a means to bring academicism to its knees